View Full Version : Me And The General

09-06-2010, 03:50 AM
After spending all day and most of Friday night in various grog shops around the Vegas, I stumbled back to my campsite at Eckie's Pond.

Even though I was in no need of it, I unpacked a bottle of bourbon for a little night cap. I also lit up a nice little short Cuban cigar.

My moment of reflection was interrupted by a rustling in some bushes behind me.

To my surprise, this old gray headed geezer with a white beard and a suit on, comes walking towards me.

"Pardon me, young man. I noticed the smell of your cigar. I wondered if we might converse for a while."

I was stunned but invited the old man to come have a seat.

"Thank you, kind sir. Allow me to introduce myself, I'm General Stephen D. Lee."

Holy hell, I must had got a holt of some baaaad hooch, I thought to myself. Or else this is one crazy bastard.

I noticed him eyeballing my cigar and my whiskey.

I decided to play along and offered him both.

"Ahh, I always did enjoy a good cigar, and a taste of whiskey. Let's not tell Mrs. Lee, of course."

The ole coot took a cigar and accepted a plastic cup of whiskey.

He was staring at the cup in amazement when I fired up my torch lighter to give him a light. He jerked back real quick and dropped his cup.

"How on earth did you do that, young man? Fire sprang from your hand."

I quickly explained it was no magic, but a new fire starting devise, before the old man stroked out on me. I refilled his cup and he took a good pull with shaky hands.

That seems to calm him down so I fired up the torch again and he warily leaned forward to let me light his cigar.

Another pull of whiskey and a couple of tokes on the stoogie later, he seemed relaxed again.

I filled him back up and then sat back and had one hell of a talk with this old relic.

What follows is a transcript of some of our conversation. .........

GL: "Very nice night, I have not been to these parts in quite some time. The place has changed somewhat since my day."

SD: "Mine too."

GL: "You were a student here?"

SD: " Yeah, I guess you could say I was. My folks didn't really think I was."

GL: " This is a particularity good cigar. Can they be purchased in town?"

SD: " No Sir, they come from Cuba."

GL: "Ahhh, I never visited that place. Heard it was beautiful. I did serve in the regular army down in Florida fighting the Indians. Do the Seminoles there still give folks trouble?"

SD: " Not really. Ole Bobby Bowden was getting kinda past it, so they aren't as tough as they used to be. He quit last year."

GL: "I presume that this Bowden was their chief?"

SD: " Yeah, something like that."

GL: " Those red devils caused a lot of mischief when I was there. Good to catch up on the news, I don't get much news over in Columbus."

SD: "You live in Columbus?"

GL: "Well, sir, if you call a grave at Friendship Cemetery a place to live, then yes, that's where I live."

SD: " Grave?"

GL: "Yes, my boy, a grave. I am allowed one night every so often to leave and travel around for 2 or 3 days."

SD: "I'll be damned. I got to quit drinking so much."

GL: " Beware of strong drink consumed immoderately."

SD " Buried at Columbus. I never knew that. All those times I spent at The Club over there and nobody ever told me that."

GL: "Would that the the Society of Literature and Classics Club for Gentlemen?"

SD: " Not really, although I have been to many Gentlemen's Clubs."

GL" Good for you, much can be learned in such places as a club for gentlemen.. They are very stimulating."

SD: " Yeah, I've been stimulated very much in a lot in those places."

GL: " What was the purpose of your club in Columbus?"

SD " Well, beer and women mostly."

GL: "Ahhh, yes. Discussing the virtues of the sainted women of the the Great Cause over a social stein of beer. Very good purpose. The honor and virtue of our glorious women must be upheld at all costs. I'm sure you and your fellow members did all in your power to perpetrate those ideals."

SD: " Yeah, we tried to do a bunch of perpetrating, that's for sure. One ole boy from Alabama took offense at me trying to perpetrate some ideals with a girl that he thought needed no perpetrating by me. It was a pretty one sided fight. I didn't do too well. "

GL: "An Alabamian, you say? Alabamians can be somewhat base and coarse, although they are decent fighting men. I remember the Alabamians holding that cornfield against what seemed the whole damnable Yankee army at Sharpsburg. I was firing my artillery over directly over their heads. Very nasty business, the fighting that day in that cornfield."

SD: " Well, I don't know how tough the steroided up bastard would be in a cornfield, but he kicked the shit out of me in a gravel parking lot."

GL: " Well, you can take comfort in the fact that, even though bested, you fought a struggle for a good cause. Many men have died honorably for the same reason."

SD: "Yeah, poon tang will get your ass in a crack every now and then."

GL: " Poon tang? I am not familiar with this term."

SD: " Sorry. It's just a new way of describing one of the virtues of our women."

GL: "I see. Well, it has been a most enjoyable time, young man, but I must be on my way. I have a lot to do in this short time I'm allowed out. By the way, who is now serving as President of the nation.?"

SD: " A guy named Barak Obama?"

GL " Barack? Obama? What kind of a name is that?"

SD: " I don't know, Muslim or African I guess."

GL: "Why would anyone name their son that?"

SD: " Well, his father was an African and his mother was from Kansas."

GL: " My God, sir!! Are you telling me we have a darkie as President?!!"

SD: "I don't think you are supposed to call him that. I think the proper term now is African American."

GL: How can you be an African and an American?"

SD: " Damned if I know. I try not to get involved."

GL: " An African as president... (muttering) Why didn't you flank the bastards at Gettysburg, Bobby."

SD: What was that,General?"

GL: "Never mind. I must run. I have enjoyed myself immensely. Thank you for the fine cigar and whiskey. Is there any way I can repay you for your kindness and hospitality before I leave for Oxford?"

SD: "Oxford? Why are you going to Oxford?"

GL: "Well, there is an old Colonel buried up there. We always take our time out together and swap old war stories. It's my turn to go up there."

SD: " Well, General, there might be one thing you could do for me. See Ole Miss is playing a game called football tomorrow, and if it not too much trouble, I was wondering if you could do me a little favor............"

I awoke gameday morning sitting in that same chair as the night before. Hungover, with the memory of a crazy dream about me an General Lee having a talk.

Damn I must have been so far gone, because it seemed so real.

I grabbed some hair of the dog, and made my way towards all the tailgating.

I liquored back up throughout the day before it was finally game time.

As I blearily watched the 1st quarter, the dude in front of me jumped up and told us that Ole Miss just got beat.

I thought, damn, I'm such a lush that I thought I talked with General Lee last night and now I thought I just heard Jacksonville St. beat Ole Miss. Whiskey has took my liver and my mind.

Then I remembered the favor I had asked of the General.

Holy Shit! I really freaked out then.

Am I so whiskey addled that I have lost touch with reality? Am I still dreaming?

Or did I really hang out with the General for awhile?

I don't know.

But if I didn't really hang out with him, it's a mighty big coincidence what happened in Oxford Saturday.



09-06-2010, 11:10 AM
Well the next time you come across the good ole Gen. Lee you can tell him that there is a still a somewhat base and course Alabamian up in North Alabama that would like to whoop his ass for what went down at Appomattox Court House. We should have had Stand Watie up there!

Good luck this week with auburn. I believe you have a helluva a shot considering Ark. St. hung over three hundred yards on them. It was hard to tell what State's defense will do but this has the making of a hulluva shoot out. You can bet the war chicks defense won't show up.

09-06-2010, 01:51 PM
You should know more about the history of The Good and Glorious Cause!

Our Stephen D. Lee, 1st president of good ole State,was not at Appomattox. That was general Robert E. Lee.

He served under R.E. Lee until around '63. Then was transferred to the Trans- Mississippi District.

Learn your Lees!!!

09-06-2010, 02:12 PM
I blame the misread on a day full of 121 proof Booker's. The letters tend to run together after a well lived labor day. As for the moron.....I'll bite my lip and write that one off to the same.

09-06-2010, 02:32 PM
You gotta have a thick hide to sail on my ship.

09-06-2010, 04:16 PM
where the Indian burial ground was located? Would be nice to know for future references.