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  1. #41
    Thank you sir for this post! We all needed this to relieve the tension. Thank you for the best one in a long time!


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  2. #42
    Injury Analyst rabiddawg's Avatar
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    So your ex wife is a Mexican?


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  3. #43
    Quote Originally Posted by missouridawg View Post
    i think an upper decker is warranted if permission is granted next time.
    And if she gives you hell about the upper decker, next time disconnect the chain before you drop one in the tank.


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  4. #44
    Injury Analyst rabiddawg's Avatar
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    Dude take it with you. I do some of my best posting on my iPhone while I'm "dropping the duece".


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  5. #45

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    Point of clarification please

    Is this the house that used to belong to you and its was lost in the settlement? If yes, you do not need to ask permission. Simply go inside with the kids and make your way to any of the non-bed room bathrooms.
    If this is a new abode, still use the kids as shields. It works in the Middle East, it will work with Taliban ex wives.

    Speaking from experience here. I'm still at war after 13 years, but I think I'm finally on the offensive.


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  6. #46
    ^^^^ GOLD ^^^^


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  7. #47
    aTotal360's Avatar
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    Pro-Tip...

    Bust up in her house in a total tizzy. Make sure you are squarely in the house, not on the front porch.
    Look her dead in the eyes and frantically say "I'm going to take a shit. Where do you want me to do it?"
    I guarantee you she will point to the bathroom.
    Don't flush.
    90 percent of college football teams do not cheat...the other 10 percent are ranked.


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  8. #48
    Predestined's Avatar
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    Next time, shit in a box

    seal it up wth note - "There's a shit storm coming, with love, UGGA". Send it c/o Hugh Freeze, world's greatest recruiter, The University of Ole Miss.


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  9. #49
    No, just drop a bomb on her welcome mat.


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  10. #50

    Of all the shit that gets posted here, this post about shit is one of the tops.

    shit.


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  11. #51

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    Sounds like another Ryan's Steakhouse incident. (HILARIOUS MUST READ).



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  12. #52
    fishwater99's Avatar
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    +1

    You must light it on fire!!!


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  13. #53
    How did we ever truly clean our asses with dry old toilet paper? WE DIDN'T! My son is 12 and I've been using wipes for 12 years. Wish I had been the one to invent the flushable ones. Damn. Another opportunity wasted!


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  14. #54
    Quote Originally Posted by aTotal360 View Post
    Bust up in her house in a total tizzy. Make sure you are squarely in the house, not on the front porch.
    Look her dead in the eyes and frantically say "I'm going to take a shit. Where do you want me to do it?"
    I guarantee you she will point to the bathroom.
    Don't flush.
    Best answer right here. I now have snot on my keyboard after that one.


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  15. #55


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  16. #56
    I have not laughed this hard in a while. Thank you for posting this. Gold I tell ya! Gold!


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  17. #57
    I second this. All the hand wringing the past two months, we absolutely needed this. Until our basketball team is watchable again one post like this a week is a necessity between Bowl Game and NSD.


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  18. #58
    Go fishing. Catch a fish. Place the fish under the seat of her car then go home and take a shit in the comfort of your own home. This will be far worse for her and even better for you.


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  19. #59
    When you finally do get to take that poop at her house, do it in the tank, not the bowl.


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  20. #60
    If he used to live in that house, he'll have to take a dump every time he stops by.

    At least that's how it works for me --- everytime I go to my parents house or get anywhere near an old apartment I used to live in, I'm overcome with a sudden urge to take a dump.


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  21. #61
    maybe you should just dot dat bitches eye.


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  22. #62
    or on her car hood


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  23. #63
    Take Dane Cook's advice and shit on the coats!
    "Itís all left field at Dudy Noble" - Bob Carskadon


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  24. #64
    Oldfatdog, I think you should officially change your username to....

    ShitBreak

    Last edited by CadaverDawg; 02-08-2013 at 12:45 PM.


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  25. #65
    The Godfather dawgstudent's Avatar
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    It's not brick?
    I support the two most frustrating teams in America: The New Orleans Saints and The Mississippi State Bulldogs


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  26. #66
    Quote Originally Posted by dawgstudent View Post
    It's not brick?
    I always wondered that myself, but according to google it's "break".


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  27. #67
    I'd go with the upperdecker idea. It's one of the best ways to enact revenge.


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  28. #68

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    It is hilarious. My favorite line is about "the move"!

    I began "The Move."
    For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.


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  29. #69
    Dr. Death DerHntr's Avatar
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    Definitely shit break

    It was in reference to him needing to leave school to poo during their break because he was a germaphobe (yet he was banging that dirty old broad).


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  30. #70
    tenureplan's Avatar
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    ^This^ - Though I too am more reluctant to use a foreign mode than I am to nail a skank


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  31. #71

    Ok, here's what you do...

    Next time you're able to get in that bathroom:

    First, turn the water off to the toilet tank. Next, flush and empty the bowl. Sit facing the tank and take a dump in the semi-dry bowl (the key here is facing the tank so that the turd(s) get stuck on the front gentle slope of the bowl). Finally, fire up a smoke, take a few drags, put it out in the pile, close the lid, and walk away. As you walk away, take pleasure in the fact that once your deed has been discovered, she'll be jiggling the hell outta that toilet handle desperately trying to make it flush (similar to the scene with Harry from Dumb and Dumber) and by the time the water gets cut back on, she'll need to use a little elbow grease to remove the lingering dried mud slide on the front part of the bowl.

    Your welcome,
    DF
    Last edited by Slippery Pete; 02-08-2013 at 02:35 PM.


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  32. #72

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    Some excellent ideas. I was confident that I had come to right place for help.

    Y'all have given me much to think about before I drop the kids off on Sunday afternoon.


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  33. #73

    Hold on a second here...

    Quote Originally Posted by OldFatDog View Post
    Y'all have given me much to think about before I drop the kids off on Sunday afternoon.
    So, are you saying you're not gonna shit again until Sunday afternoon? If that's the case, you really should upper deck the hall toilet.


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  34. #74
    Quote Originally Posted by DonnieFootball View Post
    Next time you're able to get in that bathroom:

    First, turn the water off to the toilet tank. Next, flush and empty the bowl. Sit facing the tank and take a dump in the semi-dry bowl (the key here is facing the tank so that the turd(s) get stuck on the front gentle slope of the bowl). Finally, fire up a smoke, take a few drags, put it out in the pile, close the lid, and walk away. As you walk away, take pleasure in the fact that once your deed has been discovered, she'll be jiggling the hell outta that toilet handle desperately trying to make it flush (similar to the scene with Harry from Dumb and Dumber) and by the time the water gets cut back on, she'll need to use a little elbow grease to remove the lingering dried mud slide on the front part of the bowl.

    Your welcome,
    DF
    Note to self: Do NOT piss off DonnieFootball


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  35. #75

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    Agreed. Definitely a 6 pack remembers nominee. Some funny stuff in this thread

    Good to lighten the board up after all the recruiting drama of the last few weeks.


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  36. #76


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  37. #77
    Wait a minute. The new fad is to use flushible baby ass wipes? I'm all in on that. Never thought about it, actually. Thanks oldfatdog. I learned something new! I hate the dry stuff. I have a delicate ass.


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  38. #78
    Shit on the front door step so when the boyfriend arrives he'll leave for sure.


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  39. #79
    Flushables asswhipes have saved me from buying a lot of monkey butt paste. Boudreauxs butt paste!!


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  40. #80
    Old Fart Dawg's Avatar
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    Point of geographical order

    Quote Originally Posted by OldFatDog View Post
    The scenario: Married for 20 years, divorced for 5. Dropped kids off at her house at 5:15. I live 20 minutes away. Walk up to the door with kids, politely ask if I can use the bathroom ("I need to take a shit", to be precise). My ex tells me no and says that "there is a Jitney Junior around the corner". She seemingly is concerned that my shit aroma will interfere with her dinner date with the new boyfriend, scheduled toarrive at 6. I say "really" then hug and kiss kids get in truck to head home. After about 5 miles, I shit on the side of I55.

    I anticipate needing to shit again when dropping off kids. Any advice?
    How can you live in Nashville and drop off the kids 20 minutes away, and pinch the loaf on the side of I55?
    I've read the thread twice, and some clarifiction is requested.


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