Two Daves Pick The SEC

October 31, 2009



Welcome to Two Daves Pick The SEC!! It's Halloween, and I heard that SEC referees are saying, "Trick or Treat, Trick or Treat, we'll decide who you're gonna beat." Mike Slive cannot stand for coaches to question his bad officials, so instead of getting good officials, he's going to fine or suspend anyone that speaks out publicly about officiating. Thanks for addressing the root problem, Mike!



This week, I heard from a longtime friend of the Two Daves, Jesus Muscatel. Jesus is kinda like Bubb Rubb: you never really know where he is or when he'll show up. Since Jesus was available, I invited him to be a Guest Dave this week and he accepted. Jesus always has a good story to tell.



Doug says:



Mike Slive loves money, and for that reason, he's loving that big television contract that the SEC has with the worldwide leader. Of course, this has a bit of a negative impact as well, as the conference's shoddy officiating is getting front-and-center exposure and ad nauseum analysis from every goofy talking head in Bristol. Will this be a catalyst for change? You can't keep protecting the Floridas, the Alabamas, and the LSUs every week. At some point, the playing field is gonna need to be leveled.



Jesus says:



Jesus Muscatel is in the house. Back from three days on the border, where I had nothing but a couple cases of Corona, an expired tourist visa, some army surplus store rice and beans and a pack mule named Pepe. Good thing for me Greyhound honors frequent rider vouchers. Anyway, mi compadres in the greater Starkvegas area and the moonshine hills of East Tennessee are fuming. They can't catch a break with the guys in stripes. My only advice to these guys is to take a shot of tequila, look ahead to this week's matchups and hope for better karma than my cousin Julio Muscatel got from the U.S. Customs Service. Hey, he was told it was nothing more than Arm & Hammer. How would he know?



Ole Miss at Auburn



Dave says:



Auburn was 5-0, sitting on top of the world after beating Tennessee in Knoxville. Who knew that we would see the train wreck that is today's Auburn football? The War Beagles were blown out by Arkansas and were beaten at home by Kentucky. Does it get much worse than this? If Auburn cannot win one more game, they will not be bowl eligible. People are wondering if Gus's offense is a gimmick that doesn't work as often as it does not. Chizik won five games at Iowa State and he's won five at Auburn. Maybe he's stuck on five? The 2008 Jevan Snead showed up in Oxford last weekend and led Ole Miss to a win over Arkansas. Nutt suddenly figured out that getting the ball in Dexter McCluster's hands as often as possible is a good thing, and McCluster ran wild over the hogs. Auburn is lacking confidence right know, and I don't know that they can right the ship. At least not this weekend.



Auburn 24

Ole Miss 21



Doug says:



Vanderbilt 2008, meet Auburn 2009. 5-0 going on 6-6 and a by-the-skin-of-your-teeth berth in the Music City Bowl. Dexter got his groove back last week, but how much confidence do you have in Houston Nutt's play calling to believe he actually learned anything from this? Lucky for the Rebs, Chris Todd is the QB for Auburn. I don't know how effective land sharks can be on the plains, but we'll find out.



Confederates 28

War Tigers 21



Jesus says:



Houston Nutt and Gus Malzahn will lead the Jordan-Hare crowd in a stirring rendition of "Kumbaya" before they let the war eagle loose. Somehow, the Ole Miss band will break into a rap version of "From Dixie With Love," and the Rebs' Jerrell Powe will storm through the Auburn line and drop Chris Todd on his keister. Then Jevan Snead will throw a coupla touchdown passes, Ben Tate will wonder where all his help went and the Tigers will have lost their fourth straight. Somebody give Gene Chizik a lifeline.



The Miss of Old 27

Auburnt 17



Mississippi State at Kentucky



Dave says:



Mississippi State gave Florida all they wanted in Starkville. True freshman safety Jonathan Banks had two pick sixes of Jesus Tebow, one went over 100 yards, yet that did not warrant being SEC defensive player of the week? I'm not sure what in the hell those clowns are doing in Birmingham, but they are completely screwing up. Their media rights policies and shoddy officiating will alienate fans. I applaud Dan Mullen and Lane Kiffin for calling out the egregious officiating!! Kentucky's run defense is the worst in the SEC. Mississippi State features a beast of a running back in Anthony Dixon. If State can keep this game physical and feed Dixon the ball, they win. If this becomes a track meet, Kentucky wins. Dan Mullen has done a fantastic job in Starkville; his teams never quit. That's something State fans couldn't say in the last few years. Rich Brooks has done a great job in Lexington as well.



Anthony Dixon 27

Track Stars 26



Doug says:



Kentucky is soft against the run, and Mississippi State has run the ball fairly effectively against the likes of LSU and Florida. Open and shut case, right? Well, I watched the Kentucky defense contain Auburn's two-headed rushing monster in their upset win over the Tigers. Never underestimate that crusty Rich Brooks. I think State has a fair chance to win this game if they don't do something stupid, like fake a punt from their own fifteen yard line.



Dontae Jones 31

Ron Mercer 28



Jesus says:



Dan Mullen brought the smack down on SEC replay official Dan Dembenski after the Bullies got hosed in last week's close-but-no-cigar tussle with the Florida Gators. MSU covered the spread, though, and that's the important thing when you're trying to get away from the Federales in Mexico City with $6 in your pocket and a burro named Tebow. "I mean, I hope he is severely punished, if he ever works in the SEC again," said Dan The Man. Yo, Danny Boy, that's some serious cojones. It'll carry over to a road trip to The Lex.



The Miss of State 26

The U of K 23



Tulane at LSU



Dave says:



There is so much hatred in the SEC: Auburn/Alabama, State/Ole Miss, Florida/Georgia…these are the ones that grab the headlines. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that the LSU/Tulane game can compete with these other rivalries. LSU people hate Tulane people. Tulane thinks they can hang with the big boys. Guess what? They cannot do so. Brandon LaFell might even get to break out his playmaker eye gear.



LSU 36

Tulane 13



Doug says:



Something is not quite right with this LSU team. The talent is there. They're still intimidating. They're still big and strong. They still have 90,000 coonasses in their stadium every week. But they become shockingly ordinary in almost every game they play. Eventually, Lester's going to pay for that with his rear end. But, notice I said "almost every game", because they won't look ordinary this week.



Backwoods Coonasses 41

Uptown Coonasses 10



Jesus says:



Really, why do they bother playing football anymore at Tulane? I've seen better crowds at Manuel's Cockfights in Matomoros. I know they're going to Tiger Stadium, they'll get a check for their efforts, and then take a beating and go back to reminiscing about the 1931 Rose Bowl appearance against Southern Cal, not to mention the Bacardi Bowl loss to the Havana Athletic Club in 1909. The Greenies' coach that year was a cat named Buster Brown. Fidel's crazy uncle called the shots for HAC, I'm told.



LSU 68

Too-late 8



Florida vs. Gawga in The Jax



Dave says:



The world's largest cocktail party invades Jacksonville this weekend. Florida has struggled to win its last two games and Georgia has just flat out struggled this season. If Georgia can stop Tebow, Hernandez and Cooper, they can win this game. The problem is that nobody has been able to stop them. The irony here is that Tim Tebow will break Herschel Walker's SEC touchdown record against UGA. Speaking of hatred, there will be plenty to go around this weekend in Jacksonville.



Florida 27

Georgia 17



Doug says:



Every time this game is on the docket, I'm reminded of a Steve Spurrier story. In the days of Wuerffel and Manning, the ol' ball coach was asked one day if he or his team were bothered by the large amounts of smack talk coming from the Volunteers. Spurrier's reply? "You know, Georgia used to talk smack, too. Now they just take their whippins quietly." Those days are gone, but a simple formula still applies to any game that involves the Georgia Bulldogs: if the game is held during the daylight, and the opponent is not Vanderbilt, bet against Joe Cox. Tebow may throw a couple of TDs to the Georgia secondary, though.



Overrated Gators 24

Hairy Dawgs 14



Jesus says:



Georgia wins this game about as often as Juan Valdez comes out of the mountains to share his coffee with Cristobal Cartel in the Baja, which is to say not often. I 'member when Mark Richt told his bunch to jump up and down like a buncha spring breakers at Carlos and Charlie's when they scored a touchdown, and it helped beat Tee-bow and the Crocs a couple years back. Don't think those kinda tactics will work this time. Florida gets its act together this week.



Gainesville's Finest 30

Athens' Not-So-Finest 21



South Carolina at Tennessee



Dave says:



This game will be interesting. Tennessee should be flat after the Alabama game (hey, more hatred). Spurrier has a great track record against Tennessee. This game will come down to The Visor versus the Tampa cover 2. Spurrier's offense didn't work so well at the next level, while Monte Kiffin's defense did. The problem? Tennessee has not got that level of talent right now. I expect a defensive slugfest, much like Tennessee has been involved in this year with Florida and Alabama. Props to Jonathon Crompton for his solid performance at Alabama. Too bad he can't kick field goals, too.



AKC 13

UT 10



Doug says:



The resistible force (Crompton) versus the movable object (Garcia). Two stout defenses will be on display here, as Ellis Johnson matches wits with Monte Kiffin. The offense that makes the fewest mistakes will win this one. With the QBs involved, that previous statement strikes fear into everyone with a rooting interest in this game. My brain says to go with the home team, but my gut tells me that Crompton's deal with the devil is set to expire this week, and Garcia, Norwood, and company make enough plays to pull it off.



Cackolackey 24

Rocky Top 20



Jesus says:



Leave it to our boy Coach O to follow in Lane Kiffin's footsteps on the conspiracy front. They're mad as hell in Knoxville and they're not gonna take it anymore. "Seems like some people get the calls and some people don't," the Vols' resident nuclear physicist said. "I've been in this league and I've been a part of that. Whether that's true or not, you can never prove that." Yo, yo, yo, Brent Schay-fah!



The Game of, Uh, Never Mind 14

O's Still a Part of That 10



Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt



Dave says:



This one is over and it hasn't been played yet. Georgia Tech will run for miles against Vanderbilt. Paul Johnson's triple pronged running game will feast on Vanderbilt's defense. Don't feel quite so bad Commodore fans, Tech has done this to many teams this year. Then again, you did lose to Army. That warrants this being the BITCHSLAP OF THE WEEK!!!!



Georgia Tech 45

Vannerbilt 17



Doug says:



Wow, Georgia Tech must really miss playing in the SEC, since they have three teams from the finest conference in the land on their non-conference schedule. Of course, they'll go 3-0 in those games, too. I'm gonna keep stealing Bubb's Commodore (the band) references until he shows up here to do something about it.



BEEEES! 42

Easy Like Sunday Morning 14



Jesus says:



I called my high school math teacher to get the probability of a major upset in Music City. She said, "It's not gonna happen, Jesus. And I know you cheated on that geometry test." Hey I thought there was some kinda statue of limitations on that kinda deal.



Yellow Jax 31

'Dores in Retreat 13



Last week:



Dave (5-1)

Doug (5-1)



Overall:



Dave (51-10) - 84%

Doug (50-11) - 82%