Two Daves Pick the SEC

September 4, 2010

Welcome to Two Daves Pick the SEC! If the weatherman isn’t a lying SOB, we should have some nice weather for opening kickoff at most of the SEC games this weekend. I’m not sure what the deal is, but it seems LSU is involved somehow with hurricanes at the start of football season. This time its Earl, in North Carolina, where the Tigers play on Saturday. At least its far from the coastline.

It appears that The Blind Eye may not be produced after all, it seems that the NCAA has emphatically told Mississippi to go screw themselves, Jeremiah Masoli is not playing football this year. I rarely agree with something the NCAA does, but on this one, I do. Masoli has had his second, third and fourth chances. Allowing him to transfer after he was kicked out of Oregon sets a dangerous precedent. So Houston Nutt can cry like the little bitch he is, but that’s not gonna change the outcome.

Doug sez:

Holy crap! Football season week one, otherwise known as Roadkill Weekend, is upon us at last! Now we get to find out the answers to burning questions we’ve been asking ad nauseum over the summer:

- Will Arkansas or Georgia be able to stop anyone?

- Can Alabama overcome massive losses on defense to repeat?

- Can Brantley make Gator fans forget Tebow?

- What does the OBC have up his sleeve at Carolina?

- Is there anyone who does less with more than Les Miles?

We did have one question hilariously answered earlier this week, when the NCAA firmly denied immediate eligibility for Jeremiah Masoli for this year. I mean, those Nazis at the NCAA should protect the best interests of the student athlete. This young man has long dreamed of coming to the deep south to study Parks and Recreation. The fact that Ole Miss had an immediate opening for starting QB was purely coincidental. Perhaps things would’ve gone better for Ole Miss if the Touhys would’ve adopted him. At the very least, things would’ve gone better for Sandra Bullock, because she would’ve gotten to reprise her award-winning character in The Blind Side 2: Crime and Punishment.

To be fair, Ole Miss is appealing the decision, and Houston Nutt’s basis is valid: “I got me a slower, dumber version of Jevan Snead, a JUCO QB with a noodle arm, and a 175 lb private school walk on at QB. I need this kid.” Okay, so that’s not the stated public basis for the appeal, but wouldn’t we all respect the Rebs a little bit more if they were just honest and admitted it?

Southern Miss at South Carolina


This one has upset written all over it. I’m serious. Southern Miss has a knack for season opening upsets. If Stephen Garcia doesn’t have a good game, the AKC may find themselves fried. I have faith in Ellis Johnson controlling the USM offense, and that will be the saving grace for the chikinz this weekend.

AKC 24 – USM 17


Things start off on Thursday night with the Mustard Buzzards traveling to Cackolackey. This isn’t your father’s USM team; they’ve gotten softer since the departure of Jeff Bower. The most interesting thing about this game will be watching how Spurrier handles Stephen Garcia, and in turn, how Garcia handles the offense. Ellis Johnson will scheme up the defense to keep the Buzzards punchless.

Cocks 31 - Buzzards 10

Miami (OH) at Florida


Wouldn’t it be cool if all of the Gator fans at Ben Hill Griffin stadium this weekend got themselves a Tim Tebow friar hairdo? I doubt that happens, but I do know this, Florida should POUND Miami into the ground. It would be the bitchslap of the week if I knew how this gator team does minus so many starters gone to the NFL. Still a dominating win.

Chomp Chomp 52 – Miami OH SH** 10


Florida breaks in their un-Tebow signalcaller here, but Brantley is fortunate enough to have a slew of talent to hand/throw the ball to. He won’t be tested much in this one, but that will change soon enough.

Gators 48 - Gatorbait Roadkill 7

Louisiana-Lafayette at Georgia


This should be an advanced scrimmage for Mark Richt’s boys. He knows all eyes are on his defense in particular. The question is, can the defense show up? Pitching a shutout here would make a strong statement. Then again it is U LA LA.

Jawga 37 – U LA LA 13


I don’t know much about the Ragin’ Cajuns this year. Georgia probably doesn’t either, and it shouldn’t matter. It will be interesting to see the Dawg defense in action, however. This will be a good tune-up for the UGAs. The offense will need to be clicking on all cylinders when they start playing real competition.

Big Dawgs 31 - Coonass Roadkill 17

Kentucky at Louisville


Can Batman stop the Joker? Who knows! I know this, in this game, expect the unexpected, it’s a big rivalry game to start the season off. There have been times I’ve expected Louisville to hammer UK, and UK pulls it off. What do I expect this year? I think Joker has a few tricks up his sleeve and will pull them out to make a great first impression with his alumni. Lose and he’s starting off on the wrong foot.

Kentucky 27 – Louisville 24


This game is compelling every year. At least it was when Louisville was good. Now, they are breaking in a new coaching staff. Kentucky is breaking in a new head coach, but not really. Joker Phillips has been around for a while. Look for the Wildcats to run the Wildcat and cause the Cards fits on the edge, and bring another non-conference victory home for the SEC.

Hal Mumme 31 - Denny Crum 10

Jacksonville State at Mississippi


No, this isn’t Jacksonville, Florida, hometown of Lynyrd Skynyrd. It’s Jacksonville State from Sweet Home Alabama headed to play the new Mississippi Kid. Well, this didn’t work out like I had planned since the NCAA nixed Jeremiah Masoli. So I have to go in another direction. The “new” Mississippi Kid might want to focus seriously on his Parks & Recreation degree program, his “new” program. Not everyone gets a sixth chance.

Mississippi 31 – Lord I’m coming home to you 10


No Masoli, no problem. Nutt could play QB himself in this one, and the Rebs shouldn’t have any problems. In fact, Ole Miss should have no problem going 6-6 this year, even if they have to run Jerrell Powe out of the Wild Rebel. Their schedule is that easy.

Giggity 48 - Roadkill 10

Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee


UT Martin head to UT Knoxville. Isn’t that kinda like cannabalisim ? Anyway, Derek Dooley begins picking up the pieces of the Kiffin train wreck in front of 100,000 or so of his new best friends. Hey this is a coach that got his Louisiana Tech team up to beat Mississippi State in its season opener a couple of years ago. Wait, that was in the Sylvester Croom era, nix that. Tennessee wins this one walking away.

Tennessee 34 – UT Martin 10


It’s the start of the Derek Dooley era, and the best thing about it is that he’s not Lane Kiffin. He’s the anti-Kiffin. Never has boring, bland, and unremarkable been so attractive in a head coach. Then again, the Vols just had that two years ago, so we’ll see how long they put up with it here. No concerns for the new coach this week, though.

Rocky Top 41 - Redneck Roadkill 7

Arkansas State at Auburn


Arkansas State tied Mississippi State at homecoming in Starkville in the early Jackie Sherrill days. Tiebreakers are here now, and this one will not be remotely close. It’s the BICHSLAP OF THE WEEK! Auburn will do things that should not be shown on TV. Disgusting, vulgar, lewd and nasty things. Don’t let your kids watch this.

War Beagles 55 – But we tied Jackie once 13


The team formerly known as the Indians travels to the plains to do battle with the Fighting Chiziks. Or maybe they’re just going to collect a check. We’ll find out soon enough if the Tigers are ready to take the next step. This week, we’ll just find out how much of a basketball score they’ll put up.

War Tigers 55 - Politically Correct Roadkill 17

Tennessee Tech at Arkansas


If Arkansas had anything resembling a defense, this would be the bitchslap of the week. It still may be one.

Hogs 49 – TT 16


Magee always says to RESPECT TECH. Unfortunately, he’s not talking about THIS Tech. Petrino’s gonna try to hang a hundred in this one. He’ll probably get halfway there.

Sooie 51 - Roadkill 7

San Jose State at Alabama


MOTHER OF GOD, MARK INGRAM IS HURT ! So freakin’ what. When you’ve got Trent Richardson on the bench and three or four five star freshman behind him, who cares? Richardson gets his 100 in the first half, the new guys get theirs in the second. Saban probably cuts Ingram’s scholarship to make room for another 5 star in February.

Bammey 34 – Jose 10


No Mark Ingram? No problem. Coach Saban will be all vanilla, all the time, keeping things close to the vest in preparation for Penn State. That will be plenty to slaughter this bunch of nobodies.

Crimson Legends 38 - West Coast Roadkill 3

Memphis at Mississippi State


Did I mention that Arkansas State once tied Mississippi State in Starkville? Oh yeah. What about Louisiana Tech upsetting the Dogs in the season opener two years ago? Whoops, I did. Oh well, there is a new sheriff in town, and he’s not saying a word about his team. Rumors galore that starting QB Chris Relf has a torn tendon in a finger, Mullen categorically denies it, one player syas yes, but he’ll be fine. The real question is, can Mullen replace Anthony “49er” Dixon’s 1400+ yards? We’ll find out some of that this weekend.

Mississippi State 27 – Memphis 13


Memphis generally plays their neighborhood SEC teams (Ole Miss, State) pretty tough. At least they used to. This edition features a new coaching staff ill-equipped by Conference USA standards, a team full of retreads and thugs, and memories of last year’s ugly 2-10 record fresh in their minds. Optimism is high in Starkville and the cowbell is legal (more or less). Will Mullen have mercy on the Tigers? Will the maroon fanbase ring responsibly? Will the Dawgs run it up in retaliation for Memphis not letting them wear their white jerseys? We’ll see.

Viva Starkvegas 48 - Tiger High 10

Northwestern at Vanderbilt


I don’t know about you, but this is a crappy way to start your tenure as a new head coach in the SEC. Why didn’t Vanderbilt line up some pansy for its season opener, like Ole Miss does every year?

Northwestern 24 – Vanderbilt 10


When you’re as historically bad as Vanderbilt is, you should probably use the Ole Miss method for scheduling non-conference. That model dictates that you play cupcakes, cupcakes, and more cupcakes. Then, you only have to go 2-6 in conference to get that weekwhacker bowl bid. Unfortunately, Vandy can’t even get that right. While everyone else is playing Directional Roadkill U this weekend, Vanderbilt locks up with a tough Big Ten team. Considering they’d have enough trouble with Middle Tennessee State, this doesn’t bode well for the Commodores.

Big Ten Supernerds 28 - SEC Supernerds 17

LSU at North Carolina


Lester the Molester heads to North Carolina, a game Tennessee doesn’t want to play. This will be a good game, probably one of the most competitive of the week. I’ve always given Les the advantage for season openers and postseason play. That is until he let Penn State beat him. A little voice is telling me to pick North Carolina. A big voice is telling me that LSU has more talent on its bench that UNC does.

LSU 24 – UNC 21


This is the game of the week. At least it had the potential to be. I’m hearing that there may be some eligibility issues with some of the UNC players. Color me shocked. I always thought Butch Davis was the John Wooden of college football. Well, if that’s the case, Lester Miles is the Isiah Thomas of college football. Fortunately for Tiger Nation, talent goes a long way toward overcoming coaching gaffes. The Tigaahs will make a statement on Saturday, and that statement is, “We’ll be annoyingly mediocre this year, but we’ll do just enough to beat teams like this.”

Coonasses 31 - Tarheels 28