Good Sunday Sixpackers!
The Stallion woke up this morning. The body ached. The mind was churning. The thought crossed my mind. How many multi-millionaires exist in this wonderful country of ours and have an IQ less than 80? Well I can name three off of the top of my head –
1) Derrick Dooley (whom the Stallion actually respected and had the upmost confidence that he was a good hire prior to his cornhole puckering up as the clock counted down to zero)
2) Gary Crowton – He continues to amaze me with his complicated offensive schemes and lack of understanding to stick with what works. Your complicated offensive play calling doesn’t work when one of your QB’s IQs is less than 80 also. Since Jordan Jefferson doesn’t make a million (that the Stallion knows about), he won’t make this list.
3) Les Miles – Even our favorite “rapper” Antoine Dodson said “You are so dumb, you really dumb”. You may be the first coach in history to be on the hotseat after starting 5-0. The Stallion agrees with you completely. Your talent level is incredible. So since you have an incredible talent base, what is the reason why every game keeps the Stallion from nearly droppingF-bombsin front of his offspring. The Stallion has just accepted that LSU has the stupidest coach in America. But the Stallion will go do Russian Roullette with you anytime in Vegas.This list could go on and on – Sly Croom, Lane Kiffen, Paris Hilton…The Stallion should have been a college football coach.
Things could be worse for those beloved Tiiigaaahhhs. They could be the Kentucky Wildkittens. Good lawd!!! How bad are you guys? The ‘Cats first get pummeled by a Florida Gator team that has their own issues offensively and then they go out and get outdueled by Jacksonville State’s beeotttch!!! That’s enough to make the Joker quit after his first year on the job. Guess the joke’s on you Coach.
Week 5’s intro will end on a quick blurb about the A-la-bam-a Crimson Tide. They appear back on track and after watching this past weekend’s games, it is going to take a miracle for anyone to stop them on this schedule. The only hope is that Spurrier has a better game plan than, “we’re just gonna go out there and chuck the ball around and just see what happens. Bama is a good ball club and we just hope we can compete.”
And now for this week 5’s rankings:
1) Alabama – The juggernaut is upon us
2) Arkansas – Who knew a bye week can only make you look that much better? Good news is that A&M won’t be much tougher than a bye week.
3) LSU – Good news is that the defense will keep LSU’s miracles a possibility in every game. Bad news is that it usually takes a miracle to win every game.
4) Auburn – No problem against that Louisiana team from the north.
5) South Carolina – Hard to believe that the East is actually this weak this year. Could the real SEC championship be the Iron Bowl instead of S. Carolina vs. the West Champ? The cream recipe needs some serious gamecock next weekend.
6) Florida – Complete disarray in the Swamp. Did Bama do enough pounding to have an impact on the Gators before the Tiiigaaahhhs led by Jarrett Lee enter into Gainesville? Hey Urban, you may want to think of another play on the goalline besides the jump pass. Everyone in America knew that was coming.
7) Mississippi State – Being 5th in a division really isn’t that shameful this year. You are at least 7th in the Talk.
Tennessee – From glory to dust. I actually felt for Dooley after the game. As Dr. Lou said, “13 players on the field isn’t legal in America OR Canada!”
9) Ole Miss – It’s starting to get a little weird in Oxford. Could they be catching their stride. Offensively it appears so. Unfortunately you have to play that little thing called defense to be truly successful in this league.
10) Vanderbilt – You beat UCONN, you climb into single digits. You lose, you nest in double digits. You made your pick. Double digits are your destiny.
11) Georgia – Not only were you Mullened last week, but you are now starting to embarrass the SEC. Colorado hasn’t won a meaningful game since Cordell Stewart completed the Hail Mary against Michigan. Yet they let UGA come to Boulder to be taken to the woodshed. Humiliating.
12) Kentucky – He’s a Joker, Not sure if he’s a smoker, but his team is definitely last in the Cream Rankings.
Hot Boudin – Alabama – The team looked like a machine at home against the Tebow-less Gators. The cream is looking crimson more and more.
Cold Couscous – LSU – Another first in Cream Talk history. An actual winning team received the cold couscous. The Stallion cannot recall when 5-0 feels so painful. This is how it went down in Miles’ mind - 25 secs, 24, 23, “oh “17”, what do I do? 22, 21, 20, “Oh God – go in Shepard, Toliver, and Randle, yes that sounds good” …19, 18, 17, 16….”Will somebody get me a glass of water? I’m sweating!”….15, 14, 13, 12, “Jordan, you call the play, Crowton has got his thumb up his butt again and I can’t remember the plays”, ….11, 10, 9, 8…”Oh wait, Jordan doesn’t know the plays either”….7, 6, 5, 4, 3 “God, please give me a miracle. I don’t know how I am going to handle this with the press if we lose this way again.” …2, 1….”Whoa baby!!! Thank you God! Dooley is a bigger idiot than me. I do believe in miracles!!!”
Love,
Stallion
